"But He [Jesus] said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am STRONG." -2 Corinthians 12:9-10
Friday, January 16, 2015: "You ARE going to have a baby" were the first words out of Dr. Slayden's mouth at 9 a.m. this morning. It was our very first appointment at Reproductive Biology Associates. I was a ball of nerves. As if Atlanta traffic isn't enough to rattle a person, we were meeting with our new doctor this morning to discuss possible diagnosis and treatment options. I knew we were going to have to discuss our journey thus far, including the loss of our first and second babies. Was I prepared to relive that? Was I ready for what the specialist might say? Might recommend? I was emotional. I was jittery (though I had given up caffeine long before!). I signed in and proceeded to put the check-in sticker on shirt, when really was for the receptionist to keep (guess I've been in too many elementary schools - ha!). The ladies in the front were so kind though! Big smiles. Very welcoming. As I was filling out paperwork, I kicked over my water bottle - then dropped my pen and it rolled under the couch we were sitting on. "Get it together," I told myself. Sam just smiled and shook his head. He grabbed my hand and said one more prayer before my name was called.
Peace began to come over me as we walked the winding halls back to an exam room. I let go of my worries and doubts and fears. We meet Nurse Jennifer, who weighed me, checked my vitals, and reviewed some of our medical history. We were then led to Dr. Slayden's office. I knew what he looked like. I already knew his voice. I had watched an interview of him and read his biography. A handful of friends had highly recommended RBA and another handful specifically referred Dr. Slayden, including our OB/GYN, Dr. Cline. We had spent lots of time praying, researching, and talking with others. We truly felt like God had led us to RBA, to Dr. Slayden. And after spending over an hour in his office, we were certain of it. Dr. Slayden has a good balance of bed-side manner and expertise in the field, both of which are extremely important to us. He is sensitive and caring. His knowledge of and experience with infertility and endocrinology is very apparent. He took time to get to know us as people - not only our history, but our faith, our interests, our careers, where we liked to vacation. There were tears and there was laughter. He had reviewed our complete medical history prior to the appointment, an inch-thick stack of paper that sat in front of him, and after some questioning, shared his thoughts on diagnosis and treatment - both from a medical standpoint and personal standpoint, what he would do if he and his wife were in our shoes.
Dr. Slayden gave me a probable diagnosis of hypothalamic ammenorrehea, with instructions to cut the intensity of my workouts "in half" (walking and yoga acceptable). He also wanted me to gain a few pounds, with the hopes that these changes would help improve the function of my hypothalamus, regulating my irregular periods, and preparing my body to carry a baby. We discussed and weighed the options of trying a few more rounds of clomid or going ahead with in vitro. Since we had already experienced several losses, Dr. Slayden gave us information about PGD/PGS (pre-implantation genetic diagnosis/screening of embryos), if we choose the IVF route. He was honest and straightforward, thorough, listened, and made sure our questions were answered. We talked about what would come next: Good Start genetics carrier screening and panels of blood work for both Sam and I, a sonohysterogram, semen analysis, financial consult, genetic consult, nurse consult with injection teaching and protocol review, consent forms...
As we winded down our appointment, the doctor received a text that one of his patients, a lady who had flown in from somewhere in Europe, was prepped and ready for embryo transfer. Dr. Slayden said his goodbyes, and we watched him walk towards the opposite side of the office to the surgery center - off to help a woman make her dream of being a mom become a reality.
In that moment and in the days, weeks, and months that have followed that first appointment, we have felt so incredibly blessed to be in such great care at RBA - who in recent years celebrated 30,000 babies in 30 years!! The physicians, PAs, embryologist, nurses, ultrasound technicians, phlebotomists, genetic counselor, and business staff are top notch and have made an upsetting situation an even better experience than we could have imagined. We thank the Lord every day for loving us and giving us strength on this journey. We praise Him for peace and comfort, for assurance, for reminders that He remembers and He cares. We have trusted/are trusting that He has a BIG plan.
We pray that by sharing our story - our experiences, struggles, battles, and the ways in which God is working in our lives - He is glorified. His grace is sufficient for you and for me. His power is made perfect in our weaknesses.
Thursday, February 19, 2015: Today we had a follow-up appointment with Dr. Slayden where we reviewed our blood work and test results. We further discussed diagnosis. Sam and I have spent the last month praying and giving lots of thought to treatment, how we should move forward. We feel very strongly about in vitro and have chosen to take that route. We talked with Dr. Slayden about our morals and ethics and what that looks like for us in regards to IVF.
It was fascinating to see my karyotype on paper. I felt overwhelmed in a great way by the magnitude of our God. How incredibly detailed He made each of us! How unique and different and each of us are. And the miracle of life - talk about chills!! Our genetics carrier screening checked for twenty-something of the most common genetic disorders out of over 6,000 known genetic disorders. Even without a known family history genetic disorders, if Sam and I both happened to be carriers of the same genetic disorder, it would affect our family. Fortunately, our screenings came back clear. Before we are cleared to begin IVF though, we will have a phone consult with RBA's genetic counselor to review our family history in more detail and see if she recommends any further specific genetic testing for us/our embryo(s).
In a normal pregnancy, the baby receives one set of 23 chromosomes from the mother and one set of 23 chromosomes from the father. In a partial molar pregnancy, the baby receives two sets of chromosomes from the father, often because two sperm have fertilized the egg. Since our first pregnancy resulted in a partial molar pregnancy, Dr. Slayden suggested that we use a process called ICSI as a reliable way to insert just one sperm into the egg(s) and decrease the chance of another partial molar pregnancy.
An AMH blood test determines a woman's fertility reserve (number of eggs she has left). My results came back higher than average for my age, which was good news to my ears, but the AMH test only determines quantity, not quality, and both are important factors. Dr. Slayden expressed his concern for OHSS (hyperstimulation), a condition where ovaries enlarge and fluid builds up in the abdomen following controlled ovarian stimulation in IVF. He felt I was at risk for hyperstimulating and recommended fertilizing, growing, and freezing embryo(s) following egg retrieval instead of doing a fresh IVF cycle (where an embryo/embryos are transferred three or five days after retrieval). Though it's a longer process, freezing the embryo(s) would give my body time to "settle down" after injections/retrieval and avoid major pain and a hospital stay.
IVF is the plan with a FET (frozen embryo transfer) a couple of months following egg retrieval! I feel like I'm learning so much more than I ever thought I needed to know about biology and fertility. ;) I'm extremely grateful for the wisdom and talents God gives the doctors (of all kinds!) who care for and treat us!
Tuesday, March 10, 2015: Today we turned in our notarized consent forms and met with Nurse Tracey. She reviewed our protocol, which begins on the first day of my next cycle. On the morning of "Day 2," I will go in for a screening ultrasound (follicle count and cysts check) and for blood work (to get a baseline estradiol number). The screening and blood work will determine if I may begin stimulation. Starting on "Day 5," I'll go in pretty much every morning to monitor follicles and check estradiol level (blood work) up until egg retrieval. Tracey will call me each afternoon (once my blood work comes back and Dr. Slayden reviews the results from both my follicle count and estradiol reading) to give results and let me know if I need to make any changes to my medication that night (keep same, up, or lower injection dosage depending on how I am responding to drugs). Tracey taught us how to mix Menopur for injections today since it comes in a powder form. Sam got to practice "administering shots" to a squishy ball! My medicines will be arriving in the mail in about a week so that we'll be set to begin when the time comes. My IVF cycle should begin between March 22th and March 26th. We're getting close!
Sunday, April 5, 2015: Surprisingly, we were able to make the three hour trip down to Fitzgerald to spend Easter Sunday at my hometown church and with family. We weren't sure we would be able to do this because technically, I "should" have already begun my protocol, which requires daily monitoring and would not allow me to be too far from the Atlanta area. But because I had not begun as of 4:30 yesterday, Sam and I were able to head South last night.
Guess what - today is "Day 1!" (There really isn't an eloquent way to say, 'I started my period,' is there!?). Emotions are all over the place! Excited. A bit nervous. A bit anxious. Above all, thankful. It has been 41 days since the start of my last cycle. To say the least, being "late" is frustrating - and it has been especially frustrating this month since my IVF cycle depended upon it. But today, I am grateful for a delayed start. I got to spend Easter with my grandfather who was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year. He is declining. For much of the day Papa has been surrounded by family, but I got a quiet moment with him and he said these words, "We need a half dozen little Sarahs. And I know it will happen. Joyce used to always say, 'Sarah will make a good little mama.' And you will."
Be still my heart! What a happy day! We celebrate a risen Savior! Today marks the start of a new path on our journey. Time with family. Those words that came out of my Papa's mouth. Have I mentioned my hormones yet!? Yep. The tears are flowing. "Because He lives, I can face tomorrow."
Monday, April 6, 2015: This morning we went in for an ultrasound screening. The ultrasound tech counted each itty bity follicle on the left and right sides. In a typical cycle (without medication), one follicle becomes dominate and a single egg is released from that follicle at ovulation. The fertility medications I will be taking will encourage growth of {hopefully} many of those follicles which will {hopefully} allow many eggs to be retrieved. Before leaving the clinic, I also gave blood for my baseline estradiol level.
Late this afternoon, Nurse Tracey called with instructions to being my injections sometime between 6:00 and 11:00 p.m. (we have to pick a time to stick with for the remainder of my IVF cycle). My sweet friend Brighton, who is an ER nurse, was working tonight, but offered to FaceTime us for support. Sam gave my first shot like a pro (though I think - I hope - he was nervous to stick his wife ;))!
Thursday, April 9, 2015: Wednesday after school, I packed my bags and headed to Atlanta, where I will be until egg retrieval. Sam stayed in Madison for work, so I administered my own shot for the first time last night! I can take shots in any subcutaneous spot, but the tummy seems to be the best place for me. Hurts(!), but have learned ice immediately after helps. Most every day from now until we trigger, I will be going in daily for follicle monitoring and an estradiol check. Since we live an hour outside of Atlanta (also an hour from Dr. Slayden's satellite office in Lawrenceville) and my mother-in-law is three miles from RBA (talk about a God-thing!), my boss has graciously approved for me to take the next week and a half off so I won't have to drive back and forth. I'll miss my sweet kiddos, but know that they are in good hands with my co-teacher, Christina, and Mrs. Angie, who is subbing for me.
This afternoon I received news that my estradiol level is only at 56. Women who are not on fertility drugs can have an estradiol read up to 50. After three days of Menopur, my estradiol level has not moved much from the baseline level we got Monday (25). Dr. Slayden has me upping my Menopur dosage from 150 iu to 225 iu. We will not go in for a check tomorrow, but pray that the upped dosage brings good news Saturday so this cycle is not canceled. Headaches, nausea, and hot flashes are in full swing! Glad I have a little retreat at my mother-in-law's and a good book! Cannot wait for Sam to be here tomorrow!
Saturday, April 11, 2015: Today we have 5 "measurable" follicles (1 cm or larger). Follicles 1.4 cm or greater have potential to house a mature egg. I am beginning a second shot today, Ganirelix, to keep me from ovulating. Estradiol level is at 339, which nurse says is a good place to be on "Day 7." Praise the Lord! I read somewhere that the estradiol level needs to be like Goldilocks's porridge - not too low and not too high - there's a good range in the middle. Yes, I teach PreK. I'm feeling yucky, but keep reminding myself that it's going to be worth it!!
Thursday, April 16, 2015: Tuesday we had a "sit down" appointment with Dr. Slayden to finalize plans for egg retrieval day and embryo making. It really hit me during the appointment that these follicles we've been watching grow contain the egg that will one day become our baby - maybe even all of our future children. It's amazing and overwhelming all at the same time!
Tuesday we had 19 "measurable" follicles (1 cm or larger) and an estradiol level of 1196. Yesterday: 25 "measurable" follicles, estradiol level 1809. Today: 27 "measurable" follicles, estradiol level 2883. That's like a year and a half worth of ovulation in two weeks!
Tonight at 9:00 pm, we'll administer two shots (HCG and Lupron) to trigger eggs so they are ready to be collected exactly 36 hours later.
Saturday, April 25, 2015: It's egg retrieval day! Dr. Toledo is on call and will be retrieving my eggs. I am to arrive at the surgery center at 7:30 a.m. to prep for retrieval at 9:00. Sam and I have both been on Doxycycline for since Thursday evening, and I have also been on Cabergoline to help with hyperstimulation - as well as a high protein diet.
The surgical nurses were fabulous! Sam was such a trooper! We love Dr. Toledo! He wore a Florida Gator scrub cap, but I waited until after surgery to let him know I'd be buying him a Georgia Bulldog one. ;) No complications with the anesthesia and the pain medicine I took following the procedure kept my pain at bay. Sam brought me home and my parents came up to help out. Dr. Toledo retrieved 24 eggs and we learned the following day that the majority of them were mature.
Friday, April 24, 2015: This morning, the world lost one of its finest. Cancer is a miserable disease, but never quenched the spirit and love for life, the Lord, and people my grandfather had. He played on the Vanderbilt freshman football team, graduated from Georgia Tech, served in the US Navy, was a successful contractor and banker, a loving and devoted husband, father, grandfather, great grandfather, son, brother, uncle, and friend. He did a lot of good for others and was one of those people who made everybody feel like a somebody. He cherished the outdoors and told the greatest stories. And oh don't get me started on his smile!
Marion Howard Massee, III was called "Brother" by most - but I was blessed to know him as my "Papa." I will forever hold dear to my heart how lucky I was to grow up right down the road from my grandparents - Sunday mornings on the second row pew at Central, frequent family gatherings on the screened-in porch (where the Doxology was always sung after Papa prayed), bonfires at the "Dickson Place," and one of my fondest memories that we shared one last time this Easter: sitting right next to Papa in his big blue chair, where he listened and laughed and shared wisdom. My heart is heavy over the loss of my grandfather. But I rejoice that he is alive and well in heaven!
The recovery process post egg retrieval has been more difficult than I thought with bloating and discomfort. I've also been extremely tired. It has been the worst part of my IVF cycle. Luckily I'm on spring break this week and have been able to rest at home. I'm very glad Dr. Slayden opted for a frozen transfer in a few months since I ended up responding well to the protocol and produced a large number of eggs. I cannot imagine how miserable (and scared!) I would be if I had severe hyperstimulation.
I clearly see now what a blessing it was that my cycle started so late. I will always treasure being able to spend Easter with my grandfather one last time. God's timing is perfect!
Wednesday, June 3, 2015: Today has been one of the greatest days of my life. Today we transferred a precious little embryo. My transfer protocol began several weeks ago with birth control followed by Lupron injections, Estrace (estrogen), Doxycline, Baby Aspirin, Crinone (progesterone), and Medrol. Last Wednesday I had my uterine lining checked to be sure it was thickening as it should, to be sure the medicines were doing their job. I was cleared for transfer. We've been waiting for this day for quite some time- we were overjoyed with the thought of receiving our little embryo, our baby.
Following retrieval in April, the tiny egg that made this embryo was fertilized and monitored as it grew to a day 5 blastocyst (we got this news the same morning my Papa went to Heaven!). It was graded an "A" based on its appearance (tight cells) and after genetic testing showed no chromosomal abnormalities. Once the nurses prepped me for transfer they called for Dr. Slayden to come down and then she put our baby's picture up on a large television. Magical! Tears. Happiness. Love. Adornment. I was in awe. I sat amazed at the sight of God's beautiful creation.
In vitro is hard. It's emotionally and physically and financially a lot to handle. But seeing that picture of our tiny love made my heart just about burst! So worth it. The embryologist said it "thawed beautifully" for transfer day. Dr. Slayden replied, "Of course it did, it's Sam and Sarah's baby." <3 He walked us through each step of the transfer (which takes places via a catheter) as we watched on the ultrasound monitor. It was incredible. The rest of the day we couldn't stop smiling. Couldn't stop singing praises to our Lord.
Most importantly, I desire to be strong and steadfast in my faith. It is my hope that by sharing my testimony, I will point others struggling with infertility, those going through treatments, or who are trying to swallow bad news, towards Him. "The pain that you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming!"
We pray that by sharing our story - our experiences, struggles, battles, and the ways in which God is working in our lives - He is glorified. His grace is sufficient for you and for me. His power is made perfect in our weaknesses.
Thursday, February 19, 2015: Today we had a follow-up appointment with Dr. Slayden where we reviewed our blood work and test results. We further discussed diagnosis. Sam and I have spent the last month praying and giving lots of thought to treatment, how we should move forward. We feel very strongly about in vitro and have chosen to take that route. We talked with Dr. Slayden about our morals and ethics and what that looks like for us in regards to IVF.
It was fascinating to see my karyotype on paper. I felt overwhelmed in a great way by the magnitude of our God. How incredibly detailed He made each of us! How unique and different and each of us are. And the miracle of life - talk about chills!! Our genetics carrier screening checked for twenty-something of the most common genetic disorders out of over 6,000 known genetic disorders. Even without a known family history genetic disorders, if Sam and I both happened to be carriers of the same genetic disorder, it would affect our family. Fortunately, our screenings came back clear. Before we are cleared to begin IVF though, we will have a phone consult with RBA's genetic counselor to review our family history in more detail and see if she recommends any further specific genetic testing for us/our embryo(s).
In a normal pregnancy, the baby receives one set of 23 chromosomes from the mother and one set of 23 chromosomes from the father. In a partial molar pregnancy, the baby receives two sets of chromosomes from the father, often because two sperm have fertilized the egg. Since our first pregnancy resulted in a partial molar pregnancy, Dr. Slayden suggested that we use a process called ICSI as a reliable way to insert just one sperm into the egg(s) and decrease the chance of another partial molar pregnancy.
An AMH blood test determines a woman's fertility reserve (number of eggs she has left). My results came back higher than average for my age, which was good news to my ears, but the AMH test only determines quantity, not quality, and both are important factors. Dr. Slayden expressed his concern for OHSS (hyperstimulation), a condition where ovaries enlarge and fluid builds up in the abdomen following controlled ovarian stimulation in IVF. He felt I was at risk for hyperstimulating and recommended fertilizing, growing, and freezing embryo(s) following egg retrieval instead of doing a fresh IVF cycle (where an embryo/embryos are transferred three or five days after retrieval). Though it's a longer process, freezing the embryo(s) would give my body time to "settle down" after injections/retrieval and avoid major pain and a hospital stay.
IVF is the plan with a FET (frozen embryo transfer) a couple of months following egg retrieval! I feel like I'm learning so much more than I ever thought I needed to know about biology and fertility. ;) I'm extremely grateful for the wisdom and talents God gives the doctors (of all kinds!) who care for and treat us!
Tuesday, March 10, 2015: Today we turned in our notarized consent forms and met with Nurse Tracey. She reviewed our protocol, which begins on the first day of my next cycle. On the morning of "Day 2," I will go in for a screening ultrasound (follicle count and cysts check) and for blood work (to get a baseline estradiol number). The screening and blood work will determine if I may begin stimulation. Starting on "Day 5," I'll go in pretty much every morning to monitor follicles and check estradiol level (blood work) up until egg retrieval. Tracey will call me each afternoon (once my blood work comes back and Dr. Slayden reviews the results from both my follicle count and estradiol reading) to give results and let me know if I need to make any changes to my medication that night (keep same, up, or lower injection dosage depending on how I am responding to drugs). Tracey taught us how to mix Menopur for injections today since it comes in a powder form. Sam got to practice "administering shots" to a squishy ball! My medicines will be arriving in the mail in about a week so that we'll be set to begin when the time comes. My IVF cycle should begin between March 22th and March 26th. We're getting close!
Thursday, March 19, 2015: First batch of meds arrived - this is getting so real! Expecting to begin injections within the next SEVEN days!
"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger, in the presence of my Savior."
Guess what - today is "Day 1!" (There really isn't an eloquent way to say, 'I started my period,' is there!?). Emotions are all over the place! Excited. A bit nervous. A bit anxious. Above all, thankful. It has been 41 days since the start of my last cycle. To say the least, being "late" is frustrating - and it has been especially frustrating this month since my IVF cycle depended upon it. But today, I am grateful for a delayed start. I got to spend Easter with my grandfather who was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year. He is declining. For much of the day Papa has been surrounded by family, but I got a quiet moment with him and he said these words, "We need a half dozen little Sarahs. And I know it will happen. Joyce used to always say, 'Sarah will make a good little mama.' And you will."
Be still my heart! What a happy day! We celebrate a risen Savior! Today marks the start of a new path on our journey. Time with family. Those words that came out of my Papa's mouth. Have I mentioned my hormones yet!? Yep. The tears are flowing. "Because He lives, I can face tomorrow."
Monday, April 6, 2015: This morning we went in for an ultrasound screening. The ultrasound tech counted each itty bity follicle on the left and right sides. In a typical cycle (without medication), one follicle becomes dominate and a single egg is released from that follicle at ovulation. The fertility medications I will be taking will encourage growth of {hopefully} many of those follicles which will {hopefully} allow many eggs to be retrieved. Before leaving the clinic, I also gave blood for my baseline estradiol level.
Late this afternoon, Nurse Tracey called with instructions to being my injections sometime between 6:00 and 11:00 p.m. (we have to pick a time to stick with for the remainder of my IVF cycle). My sweet friend Brighton, who is an ER nurse, was working tonight, but offered to FaceTime us for support. Sam gave my first shot like a pro (though I think - I hope - he was nervous to stick his wife ;))!
This afternoon I received news that my estradiol level is only at 56. Women who are not on fertility drugs can have an estradiol read up to 50. After three days of Menopur, my estradiol level has not moved much from the baseline level we got Monday (25). Dr. Slayden has me upping my Menopur dosage from 150 iu to 225 iu. We will not go in for a check tomorrow, but pray that the upped dosage brings good news Saturday so this cycle is not canceled. Headaches, nausea, and hot flashes are in full swing! Glad I have a little retreat at my mother-in-law's and a good book! Cannot wait for Sam to be here tomorrow!
Saturday, April 11, 2015: Today we have 5 "measurable" follicles (1 cm or larger). Follicles 1.4 cm or greater have potential to house a mature egg. I am beginning a second shot today, Ganirelix, to keep me from ovulating. Estradiol level is at 339, which nurse says is a good place to be on "Day 7." Praise the Lord! I read somewhere that the estradiol level needs to be like Goldilocks's porridge - not too low and not too high - there's a good range in the middle. Yes, I teach PreK. I'm feeling yucky, but keep reminding myself that it's going to be worth it!!
Thursday, April 16, 2015: Tuesday we had a "sit down" appointment with Dr. Slayden to finalize plans for egg retrieval day and embryo making. It really hit me during the appointment that these follicles we've been watching grow contain the egg that will one day become our baby - maybe even all of our future children. It's amazing and overwhelming all at the same time!
Tuesday we had 19 "measurable" follicles (1 cm or larger) and an estradiol level of 1196. Yesterday: 25 "measurable" follicles, estradiol level 1809. Today: 27 "measurable" follicles, estradiol level 2883. That's like a year and a half worth of ovulation in two weeks!
Tonight at 9:00 pm, we'll administer two shots (HCG and Lupron) to trigger eggs so they are ready to be collected exactly 36 hours later.
Saturday, April 25, 2015: It's egg retrieval day! Dr. Toledo is on call and will be retrieving my eggs. I am to arrive at the surgery center at 7:30 a.m. to prep for retrieval at 9:00. Sam and I have both been on Doxycycline for since Thursday evening, and I have also been on Cabergoline to help with hyperstimulation - as well as a high protein diet.
Marion Howard Massee, III was called "Brother" by most - but I was blessed to know him as my "Papa." I will forever hold dear to my heart how lucky I was to grow up right down the road from my grandparents - Sunday mornings on the second row pew at Central, frequent family gatherings on the screened-in porch (where the Doxology was always sung after Papa prayed), bonfires at the "Dickson Place," and one of my fondest memories that we shared one last time this Easter: sitting right next to Papa in his big blue chair, where he listened and laughed and shared wisdom. My heart is heavy over the loss of my grandfather. But I rejoice that he is alive and well in heaven!
The recovery process post egg retrieval has been more difficult than I thought with bloating and discomfort. I've also been extremely tired. It has been the worst part of my IVF cycle. Luckily I'm on spring break this week and have been able to rest at home. I'm very glad Dr. Slayden opted for a frozen transfer in a few months since I ended up responding well to the protocol and produced a large number of eggs. I cannot imagine how miserable (and scared!) I would be if I had severe hyperstimulation.
I clearly see now what a blessing it was that my cycle started so late. I will always treasure being able to spend Easter with my grandfather one last time. God's timing is perfect!
Wednesday, June 3, 2015: Today has been one of the greatest days of my life. Today we transferred a precious little embryo. My transfer protocol began several weeks ago with birth control followed by Lupron injections, Estrace (estrogen), Doxycline, Baby Aspirin, Crinone (progesterone), and Medrol. Last Wednesday I had my uterine lining checked to be sure it was thickening as it should, to be sure the medicines were doing their job. I was cleared for transfer. We've been waiting for this day for quite some time- we were overjoyed with the thought of receiving our little embryo, our baby.
Following retrieval in April, the tiny egg that made this embryo was fertilized and monitored as it grew to a day 5 blastocyst (we got this news the same morning my Papa went to Heaven!). It was graded an "A" based on its appearance (tight cells) and after genetic testing showed no chromosomal abnormalities. Once the nurses prepped me for transfer they called for Dr. Slayden to come down and then she put our baby's picture up on a large television. Magical! Tears. Happiness. Love. Adornment. I was in awe. I sat amazed at the sight of God's beautiful creation.
In vitro is hard. It's emotionally and physically and financially a lot to handle. But seeing that picture of our tiny love made my heart just about burst! So worth it. The embryologist said it "thawed beautifully" for transfer day. Dr. Slayden replied, "Of course it did, it's Sam and Sarah's baby." <3 He walked us through each step of the transfer (which takes places via a catheter) as we watched on the ultrasound monitor. It was incredible. The rest of the day we couldn't stop smiling. Couldn't stop singing praises to our Lord.
"Every good and perfect gift is from above." -James 1:17
Friday, June 12, 2015: It has been nine days since transfer. This morning we went in for a blood test to check my hCG level. A little after 2:00 this afternoon the phone rang and it was RBA. Dr. Slayden said he had some very concerning news - I had gotten a positive pregnancy test, but my hCG level was extremely, extremely low. Likely an implantation problem. None of us were expecting this. Dr. Slayden said over and over how sorry he was for us. He asked that I take an at home test tomorrow morning. If it comes back negative, I'm to stop medications.
"I don't want to face this valley, I don't want to walk alone. You say that You'll leave to find me, well I am begging You now to come.
Don't think I can face the morning. Heaviness is on my chest. You say that You'll lift the burden, well I am begging You to bring me rest.
Come and find me in the darkest night of my soul. In the shadow of the valley, I am dying for You to make me whole. For You to make me whole.
-Ellie Holcomb, The Valley
All weekend I have been writing. Various hours in the day and at night. It's therapeutic for me. It's healing. It helps me to reflect and process. Helps me to remember the highs and navigate through the lows. Though our hearts are heavy and we just can't seem to wrap our minds around what went wrong, why we are having to grieve another loss, we have not lost hope. Psalm 37:4 says, "Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." God knows the desires of our hearts. He knows how we long to be parents. He hears our prayers. We began trying nearly 23 months ago. We are not giving up. We are trusting and believing in God's plan. We can do hard things. We can do hard things because the Lord never leaves or forsakes us (Deuteronomy 31:6).Don't think I can face the morning. Heaviness is on my chest. You say that You'll lift the burden, well I am begging You to bring me rest.
Come and find me in the darkest night of my soul. In the shadow of the valley, I am dying for You to make me whole. For You to make me whole.
-Ellie Holcomb, The Valley
Most importantly, I desire to be strong and steadfast in my faith. It is my hope that by sharing my testimony, I will point others struggling with infertility, those going through treatments, or who are trying to swallow bad news, towards Him. "The pain that you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming!"
"I was sure by now, God You would have reached down, and wiped our tears away. Stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say 'Amen," and it's still raining.
As the thunder rolls, I barely hear Your whisper through the rain, 'I'm with you.' And as your Mercy falls, I raise my hands and praise the God who gives. And takes away.
And I'll praise You in this storm. And I will lift my hands, for You are who You are, no matter where I am. And every tear I've cried, You hold in Your hand. You never left my side. And though my heart is torn, I will praise you in this storm."
-Casting Crowns, Praise You in this Storm
We have been blessed with the most wonderful group of praying family and friends. Family and friends near and far that lift us even though they don't know all the specifics. And have been doing so for months and years. We feel those prayers and are so, so thankful. There are also family and friends walking through the trenches this weekend with us. Listening through the tears. Hugging and holding us tight. Feeding us and checking in. We are grateful for each of you.
"I want to be a woman who trusts that God has a plan, even when I don't understand." -Renee Swope
We have been blessed with the most wonderful group of praying family and friends. Family and friends near and far that lift us even though they don't know all the specifics. And have been doing so for months and years. We feel those prayers and are so, so thankful. There are also family and friends walking through the trenches this weekend with us. Listening through the tears. Hugging and holding us tight. Feeding us and checking in. We are grateful for each of you.
"I want to be a woman who trusts that God has a plan, even when I don't understand." -Renee Swope
Aiming to trust in Him,
Sarah
Sarah
Sweet Sarah, I am praying for you all and I admire your strength and trust in Him so much!
ReplyDeleteLove, Mary Hannah
Sarah, I am praying for you and Sam that things will work out! I can truly say I know what you are going through since I struggled with infertility too! Keep the faith! It will happen!
ReplyDeleteI couldn't quit reading your post! God Bless you ! Will be praying
ReplyDeleteI saw this link on a fb post and wanted to read it since infertility is close to my heart. My husband and I walked thorough infertility for 8 1/2 years before we got pregnant. We had been married for over 12 years. For us it took numerous procedures and surgeries and finally 4 rounds of IVF. Each and every shot, appointment, and loss will be forever engraved in my memory. However, during those 8 1/2 years God taught us so much and changed us so much. God grew us and changed us.. He taught us to love him completely and to trust Him completely. We thought we already did, but our faith grew to a whole new level. For us, we truly learned that God was faithful. God was faithful when we got another negative pregnancy test, God was faithful when IVF didn't work again, God was faithful when my friends were pregnant again, God was faithful when we spent all our money on procedures, God was faithful when our babies heart stopped beating, God was faithful! We learned that God's faithfulness was not dependent on if we had a child or not, but he was faithful regardless. He was going to be faithful if we were parents to 10 kids or faithful if we were parents to none. We are now 36 and 38 and parents to a beautiful 14 month old baby. The difficult journey brought us to the desires of our heart and for that I am so thankful, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. The journey has made us better parents, better spouses, and better servants of God. My prayer is that God shows you more of Himself through this.
ReplyDeleteI too have walked this road with secondary infertility. Our journey ended with adoption but that was our path. I know this heartache. The devastation made worse by hormones. The depth of darkness not wanting to live. It is a valley but like all valleys we navigate it makes us who we are meant to become.
ReplyDeleteLove to you and your husband. Just keep moving forward in faith.
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