Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
-1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Today we celebrate three years of marriage. On December 31, 2011, at 7 o'clock in the evening, we committed ourselves to one another before God, our family and friends - vowing "in good times and bad."
It is not promised that this life is going to be easy. John 16:33 says, "I have said these things to you, that in me, you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." Though this year in particular has been exceptionally difficult as we've endured several trails and several sufferings, we strive to continue to give thanks - despite our circumstances. Our marriage is stronger. Our faith is stronger. We pray more. Hope more. Rejoice more. And love more. For these things, I am extremely grateful.
One year ago, Sam and I took a little getaway to Asheville, North Carolina for our anniversary. Often during the trip, we found ourselves curled up by the fire in the quaint little cabin we were staying in on Black Mountain. I constantly sipped Ginger Ale, nauseous, nearing ten weeks pregnant, as Sam stoked the fire and rubbed my back. I was too sick the evening of our anniversary to get myself dressed up, and the thought of driving to the city didn't suit me, so we canceled the nice dinner reservations we had for pizza in bed. We toasted with sparkling grape juice from our trip the day before to the Biltmore Estate. I don't even think I lasted until midnight.
One year ago, Sam and I took a little getaway to Asheville, North Carolina for our anniversary. Often during the trip, we found ourselves curled up by the fire in the quaint little cabin we were staying in on Black Mountain. I constantly sipped Ginger Ale, nauseous, nearing ten weeks pregnant, as Sam stoked the fire and rubbed my back. I was too sick the evening of our anniversary to get myself dressed up, and the thought of driving to the city didn't suit me, so we canceled the nice dinner reservations we had for pizza in bed. We toasted with sparkling grape juice from our trip the day before to the Biltmore Estate. I don't even think I lasted until midnight.
I had no idea how precious that night would someday be to me. How I would long for more times like that one. There is seemingly nothing blissful about the nausea, vomiting, and fatigue that one experiences during pregnancy - especially when in the middle of it - but how beautiful is the gift of life that those outward signs represent.
Six short weeks after our anniversary trip, we learned of the loss of the little one we had come to call Baby B. Months and months of grieving have taken place. Devastation, sadness, worry, doubt, fear, anger, and loneliness have been a part of it. I remember in the early days that followed our heart-breaking sixteen-week appointment, my mother-in-law, who also lost a baby ("Charlie," to be born after Sam) in the second trimester, saying "Though it will never get easier, you will get stronger." And I have. My strength does not come from me though. No, I alone am weak. My help comes from the Lord. Through it all, He has never left my side.
Six short weeks after our anniversary trip, we learned of the loss of the little one we had come to call Baby B. Months and months of grieving have taken place. Devastation, sadness, worry, doubt, fear, anger, and loneliness have been a part of it. I remember in the early days that followed our heart-breaking sixteen-week appointment, my mother-in-law, who also lost a baby ("Charlie," to be born after Sam) in the second trimester, saying "Though it will never get easier, you will get stronger." And I have. My strength does not come from me though. No, I alone am weak. My help comes from the Lord. Through it all, He has never left my side.
It took several months for my hCG level to reach below "5" (five and below registers as "not pregnant"). Considering how high the hCG level was before (196,000), my OB/GYN was pleased with the timing in which it dropped. Partial molar pregnancies are rare, and out of the handful of other patients Dr. Cline has seen in her 20+ years of practice who had partial molar pregnancies, all went on to have healthy babies. At that time, we were still incredibly upset and longed for our little boy, but felt good about our future.
Irregular cycles in the months that followed led to more blood work. In June, I was put on progesterone, with the goal of it making cycles more regular and supporting a healthy pregnancy down the road. Irregularity continued though and Dr. Cline wondered about PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome). Further blood work did not line up with that of someone who would have PCOS, but there were no signs pointing towards what else could be going on, so Dr. Cline asked us to research and consider beginning clomid. After a month of thought and prayer, we felt led to try the fertility drug. Two rounds in, I found myself holding a positive pregnancy test. I was overjoyed. Sam was coming back a trip to Montana that evening, so I made plans to share the news with him (with a little baby announcement gift). We hugged, we cried, we laughed and praised God for this sweet little blessing, right there in the airport parking lot.
That week, I went in to Dr. Cline's office to check my hCG and progesterone levels. It's common for OB/GYNs to have patients come in twice early on, exactly 48 hours apart, to be sure the hCG levels are doubling as they should be in the first trimester. The hCG level not doubling would be a sign that something is not right. I went in on Wednesday and Friday afternoons. I received the levels from Wednesday's blood work on Thursday, and all looked good (though a Dr. cannot tell much until having the second set of blood work to compare it to). On Monday (we had to wait all weekend for Friday's results), as I was preparing for Thanksgiving travels to South Georgia, Dr. Cline called me with news. News that broke our hearts all over again. The hCG level had decreased, meaning I was miscarrying.
That week, I went in to Dr. Cline's office to check my hCG and progesterone levels. It's common for OB/GYNs to have patients come in twice early on, exactly 48 hours apart, to be sure the hCG levels are doubling as they should be in the first trimester. The hCG level not doubling would be a sign that something is not right. I went in on Wednesday and Friday afternoons. I received the levels from Wednesday's blood work on Thursday, and all looked good (though a Dr. cannot tell much until having the second set of blood work to compare it to). On Monday (we had to wait all weekend for Friday's results), as I was preparing for Thanksgiving travels to South Georgia, Dr. Cline called me with news. News that broke our hearts all over again. The hCG level had decreased, meaning I was miscarrying.
For weeks, we've wondered with whom and how we would share this part of our story. Calling and telling our parents and best friends was difficult - no one knew we were pregnant again - until we lost our second baby and found ourselves barely getting the words out through the tears. Dealing with fertility struggles and loss is personal, and not all choose to talk about. As Emily Ley says, "That's one reason infertility is so hard. We chose to alienate ourselves. And we become unbearably lonely because we think we are the only ones who have to travel these difficult roads."
God has blessed us with family and friends that love and lift us up, so we couldn't imagine not having that kind of support through it all. Though it's usually thought of as a private matter, I feel led to continue sharing parts of our experiences, our struggles, our battles, and the ways in which God is working in our lives in the hopes that He is glorified and someone reading this will see how He can lift our spirits. Give us strength. Give us peace.
Whatever you are facing today, know that you, nor I, are alone. He has a plan, a will, a way. He knows the desires of our hearts and the number of hairs on our heads. He's got your hand, walking along side you. There are brighter days ahead. Oh how He loves you and me! He can take broken things and make them beautiful.
I'm better off when I begin to remember
How You have met me in my deepest pain.
So give me glimpses now of how You have covered
So give me glimpses now of how You have covered
All of my heart ache, oh with all Your grace.
Remind me now that you can make a way.
That Your love will never change,
Remind me now that you can make a way.
That Your love will never change,
That there's healing in your name,
That You can take broken things and make them beautiful.
You took my shame
You took my shame
And You walked out of the grave,
So Your love can take broken things and make them beautiful
...
You say that you'll turn my weeping into dancing,
Remove my sadness and cover me with joy!
You say your scars are the evidence of healing
During my phone conversation with Dr. Cline (when we learned of another miscarriage happening), referral to a fertility specialist was mentioned. The following Monday, exactly one week later, Sam and I were given recommendations by five different people to a group called RBA (Reproductive Biology Associates in Atlanta). That night, we sat down together and began watching introduction videos of the doctors at RBA and read each of their biographies. More importantly, we began praying about moving forward and decisions that had to be made. When we met with Dr. Cline a few days later for a re-check, she also highly recommended Reproductive Biology Associates. It was like we were hearing this group, this practice, specifically in "surround sound" (as my friend Melissa calls it). We felt that God was leading us towards RBA through the testimonies we were hearing from our friends and co-workers.
Mid-January, we have our first appointment with Dr. Scott Slayden of Reproductive Biology Associates. When we began trying to grow our family a year and a half ago, we did not what our journey would be like - of the difficult days that laid before us - but again, I will say that through it all, He has never left my side, our sides.
I've run from Him and been mad at Him (mad at God, yes I have), but He forgives me and always welcomes me back with loving, open arms. During this time, we've clung to prayer and scripture, and today I wanted to share some of the verses that have brought us comfort this past year, our third year of marriage - in good times and bad:
Mid-January, we have our first appointment with Dr. Scott Slayden of Reproductive Biology Associates. When we began trying to grow our family a year and a half ago, we did not what our journey would be like - of the difficult days that laid before us - but again, I will say that through it all, He has never left my side, our sides.
I've run from Him and been mad at Him (mad at God, yes I have), but He forgives me and always welcomes me back with loving, open arms. During this time, we've clung to prayer and scripture, and today I wanted to share some of the verses that have brought us comfort this past year, our third year of marriage - in good times and bad:
Every good and perfect gift is from above.
-James 1:17
Sing to Him, sing praise to Him; tell of all His wonderful acts. Glory in His holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice. Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always. Remember the wonders He has done, His miracles..."
-Psalm 105:2-5
Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am faint;
O Lord, heal me, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in anguish, How long, O Lord, how long? Turn, O Lord, and deliver me; save me because
of your unfailing love… I am worn out from groaning, all night long I flood my
bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears… The Lord has heard my cry for
mercy; the Lord accepts my prayer. –Psalm 6:2-4, 6-7, 9
Those who know your name will trust in
you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.
–Psalm 9:10
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
–Psalm 34:18
As you do not know the path of the wind,
or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work
of God, the Maker of all things.
–Ecclesiastes 11:5
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not
be dismayed, for I am your God.
-Isaiah 41:10
Consider it pure joy,
my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the
testing of your faith develops perseverance.
–James 1:2-3
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that
suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character,
hope. And hope does not disappoint us,
because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he
has given us.
-Romans 5:3-5
-2 Corinthians 12:9
“For I know the plans
I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future.
Then you will call upon me and come pray to me, and I will listen to
you. You will seek me and find me when
you seek me with all of your heart.”
–Jeremiah 29:11-13
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition,
with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all
understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. And my God will meet all your needs according
to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.
–Philippians 4:6-7, 19
–Philippians 4:6-7, 19
Whatever situations have been a struggle for you, I pray that God brings joy and light to devastation, happiness to sadness, assurance to worry and doubt, peace to fear, calm to your anger, and His friendship to loneliness.
I'll quote Emily Ley once more, "The tears are okay. It's okay to have bad days. Know also that an incredible plan was put into place long ago and you are in the middle of it. The ending, whatever it may look like, however your family may grow, will be the perfect completion. It may not be easy, but it will always be worth it."
We praise Him for the year 2014 - the year that made our marriage and faith stronger. The year when we learned to pray more, hope more, rejoice more, and love more. We look forward to what God has in store for us this coming year, as our story continues and we embark on our fourth year of marriage.
We praise Him for the year 2014 - the year that made our marriage and faith stronger. The year when we learned to pray more, hope more, rejoice more, and love more. We look forward to what God has in store for us this coming year, as our story continues and we embark on our fourth year of marriage.
Blessings to you all in 2015,
Sarah
Sarah
